If you want to know how to text a girl, the first you need to know is this: know where you are in the interaction. Guys make the mistake of not knowing where they are in the interaction and are therefore unclear of the type of text they should send.
Does the girl like them and they need to make plans? Or is it fading and you need to recover it?
By the way, if this is a someone you just met, check out this post on how to text a girl you just met.
So let’s discuss how to tell exactly where you are at and then what text you need to send.
Every single text you receive will generally fall into 1 or 4 categories
1- Silence (You have no social capital here)
2- Shit Test (You have a bit more social capital)
3 – Something Platonic / Logical (she is curious about you)
4 – Something Clearly Positive
So every text falls into one of those four categories. And each one needs a different response. If you respond to silence they way you respond to positive, you are going to be wrong. And vice versa. So we need to talk about each one individually, where it comes from, why she does it, and how you can respond to each one to be maximally effective.
If she gives you silence, you have some work to do. If she likes you, then you need to make plans. The less well things are going, the more you need to convey your personality and add value and make it fun. When things are going well, you need to close, not before.
First mistake guys make: Going for the meet too early when her interest is low. If things are going badly, don’t try to close because she is not enough bought in, so it won’t work.
Second mistake guys make: Never going for the meet, when her interest is high. She is responding positively, you keep the conversation going, never attempting to close. Ok so you need to be moving things forward to a close. Remember the end goal of texting is to get her out with you.
You can learn more about the mistakes guys make when take texting here. Sometimes it is easier and more helpful knowing what NOT to do, because it’s the mistakes that can cause you to lose an interaction.
So let’s talk about how to text a girl in each of these scenarios:
1 – Silence
This is the worst response you can get (although just because you are getting silence, doesn’t mean it’s over). Your social bank account is very low. You need to build it up.
Here you need to ping value. Send cool, funny, interesting, positive, engaging messages. pics and cool memes, THAT DON’T REQUIRE A RESPONSE. You are not asking for anything in return. If you get a response, great, but it doesn’t matter if you get a response- no big deal. And you are more likely to get a response this way. And importantly, you are not hurting your chances. And better if the messages are relevant to you and her.
So at this stage, don’t ask questions and don’t make plans or send anything negative, otherwise you will decrease your social bank account even more.
And this is the case early on in an interaction when you are not sure if she is bought in and there has not been a lot of back and forth. A good text is a text that doesn’t require a response. Value offering, showing personality, funny pics. So ask yourself, does it require a response? and if I don’t get a response, will it kill the interaction?
I would go as far as to say that up until the point where you are specifically making plans, then you probably don’t want to do any texts that require a response.
Note: The only exception is if making plans and she goes silent. So say she agreed to meet you Wednesday and you sent her a text the day before “so 8pm tomorrow?” and she didn’t respond. In that case you don’t want to go back to the beginning. Take the silence to mean that she still likes you and for whatever reason she didn’t respond. You can just send her dot dot dot (…)
2 – Shit Test
This is a good thing and better than silence because she is putting in the effort and time to text you. She likes you, otherwise she wouldn’t do it. All you need to do is HOLD THE FRAME and to PASS THE TEST (agree and exaggerate, misinterpret- treat is as a compliment reframe and rephrase it). The secret is that you have to win, but in such a way that she doesn’t lose. And if you pass, this shows that you have a cool, interesting life, you are not reactive to her, you are fun, you are playful. You are not too invested in the outcome. Remember, a shit test is there to test your frame, test if you will back down, test how much fun you will be.
Do not follow up afterwards by escalating or asking a question or trying to make plans. And don’t justify yourself. That takes away all the power. And don’t worry that you didn’t give her enough to respond to. If you did a good job with the response, then you did. You don’t want to make it too easy for her. You want the text to be interesting to respond to, but not too bland. So, just pass the test. Otherwise if you soften it or try to hedge your bet to make sure you get a response back, it just comes across as needy.
Don’t walk a very polite tight rope with girls, where you are afraid to mess it up. If you are too afraid to mess it up, you WILL fuck it up. When texting a girl, play to win as apposed to playing not to loose. Don’t be afraid to take it back to silence.
Be willing to assume you are a high value person and assume she likes you. It’s much better to assume she likes you and throw out something cheeky than it is to be bland and boring. Don’t be a boring guy in text. You don’t want to send a boring text that she can anticipate.
This should lead to logical conversation friend to friend. And then you can start making plans.
4- Positive Response
When she is positive and responsive to you, start making plans. Once you get a positive response, you need to bridge the close, don’t keep it conversational and don’t try to seduce her over text (Sexting). Get her to meet you in person. You’ve got to go for the date at some point or she will stop replying.
You should wait till you get a positive response before asking for the date because if you ask for the date too early you lower your value and is an over-investment. As a general rule, ask for the date sooner rather than later. A text conversation that goes on for too long will kill the excitement of the interaction.
Most guys are terrible at the actual asking for plans part via text. The mistake they make is either dropping the plans in like a ton of bricks with no escalation at all (not effective), or they are bad at the specificity of the plans, meaning they get way way way too specific (this is not effective either because it is a big ask, and she will recoil emotionally and will not want to engage).
However, don’t assume! – “lets do drinks Tuesday at 8pm at this place”. You haven’t checked if she is down for that or is into you and you don’t know her schedule. Start closing but gradually and patiently and make sure to keep it fun through the process. You want her to be onboard with every step and participating in a positive way.
The way to ask her out is through a yes ladder sequence; instead of trying to get someone to say yes to a big thing, you get them to say yes to a bunch of little things that lead them up to the big thing. And by the time they get to the big thing, they have agreed to so many little things, it will be weird not to say yes. So ask questions that get small yes’s.
a – qualifier- “are you an adventurous person” Yes.
b – Vague suggestion “what’s you view on drinks and witty banter” or “are you more into mexican or wine”
c – Find schedule – “what does your schedule look like for the next couple of days” or “what’s your schedule like this week”..
d – Make plans “Cool, lets get mexican at ….. on Monday”
So instead of doing it in one question, break it down. So if there is objection, you know on what step (she doesn’t like mexican, she doesn’t like you, she is not free). By breaking it down, you know what the specific objection is,
3- The Grey Area
Girl giving you logical information or asking you questions, very straightforward and not sexualising. It is a good thing because she wants to get to know you. The issue is it is not highly emotionally charged. It’s bland and boring. And the danger if you get caught up in too much factual exchange / asking questions and getting answers, is you lose the tension and fun in the interaction.
So here you need to deal with logic and questions, but nudge it in the right direction (banter and close). So briefly deal with and answer the logical questions but at the same time keep a flirty fun vibe. Keep it charged. You need to throw some flirtation and not let things get boring when the conversation is logical. You have to make sure you throw in a little bit of unpredictability, something flirtatious, something man to women. So she enjoys the conversation instead of just exchanging information. It’s your job as a man to spice it up.
We work on the fundamental assumption that if she is responding and investing the time and effort, she likes you. So can do one of two things:
A- Brief response and add fun, wit, flirting banter to break out of the platonic zone. Make sure it is not bland. Add a little bit of flirtation and banter. This should get you a positive response.
B- If logical for a few texts, or was positive and now logical, you can still push to make plans.
So for example if she tells you it’s her birthday, you can respond with “Happy Birthday. I didn’t get you a present though..perhaps I can make it up to you somehow?” (assuming already positive interaction). It’s about being more interesting than the average guy. Ask yourself, “How can I be 25% more interesting?”.
So if you are getting anything better than silence, you should be able to turn it into a date the majority of the time.